Cheese addiction is on the increase. Although cheese addiction might not sound as serious as something like say for example Heroin addiction, alcohol addiction or smoking addiction, for the people who suffer terribly on a daily basis with cheese cravings from hell, the situation is very real and very alarming. Not to mention the stress being caused due to the stigma from vegans who constantly remind them of the potential damage that they are causing to their health.
But all of that is about to change thanks to CHEESE PATCHES(TM)
After years of pain staking research RAW HUMOUR scientists have at last perfected a patch that can now introduce healthy levels of an artificial chemically manufactured cheese substitute that is 100% safe and absorbed safely through the skin, and safely satisfies even the strongest cravings for cheese.
The system works in exactly the same way as Nicotine patches and methadone. The patch is unwrapped from the polythene wrapper and is then pressed against the arm and held in place using two specially designed adhesive strips. One patch is usually enough but in extreme cases, like for instance if you have to go to pizza hut with your friends, two patches can be applied at once.
The artificial chemically manufactured cheese substitute, enters the blood stream and then targets the cheese receptors in the brain then fools it into believing that you have just eaten a huge chunk of cheese. This is the same process as Aspartame which fools your brain into thinking that it has eaten something sweet. These chemicals that fool your brain and upset your brain chemistry and pollute your system are not harmful in any way and are all OK'd by the W.H.O.!
The most exciting news is that the Cheese Pacthes have been approved by the Vegan Society. This gives the green light for Vegans who are really struggling to resist the yellow peril to start wacking on the patches.
Hollywood A listers with serious cheese addictions, like Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Jack Black are already snapping up the patches. John Travolta who becamse seriously addicted to Cheese Royale Burgers after the filming of Pulp Fiction is reported to be the first person to try three patches at once. He has reported no adverse reactions which has further increased the manufacturers confidence in the safety of the product.
New Dad Jamie Oliver, a big fan of healthy eating for children, has hinted that he is using Baby Bell Cheese Patches(TM) on his new born baby. These are the same as adult Cheese Patches (TM) but smaller and therefore administering a smaller dosage of cheese substitute. Again the manufacturers have stated that these cheese patches containing the genetically modified chemical cheese substitute are way way safer than any of the chemicals and preservatives that are in all the vaccinations that are regularly injected into childrens arms!
Even Demi Moore, a very famous advocate of raw food has been spotted wearing a cheese patch. A keen paparazzi photographer saw one peeping out from the sleeve of her Giorgio Armani dress at a recent awards show. Because the patches are stuck on externally and not consumed, raw vegan status can be maintained without any fear of retribution from anti animal product protesters. Very soon you will be able to download a Cheese Patch (TM) ap for you i phone and purchase stylish cheese patch (TM) covers to help them blend in with your wardrobe!
The Manufacturers of Cheese Patches (TM) are also seeking for the government to start calling for warning labels to be clearly displayed on cheese products which have been proven to be just as addictive as other addictive products such as alcohol and cigarettes. Children as young as 4 months old are being fed cheese and are becoming addicted at very young ages. By the time they get into their teens they are absolutely hooked on the stuff and eat it with almost every meal. The latest product aimed at getting kids addicted to cheese is cheesy string!
WARNING: DO NOT CONFUSE CHEESE SLICES FOR CHEESE PATCHES. STICKING AN ORDINARY CHEESE SLICE ON YOUR ARM WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR CHEESE PROBLEM. IF YOU THINK YOU ARE ADDICTED TO CHEESE GO TO YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY OR PHONE THE CHEESE ADDICTION HELP LINE.
